Portrait in Linen

I’m just not sure.

I’m seriously considering retiring the blogs for an indefinite duration.  On one hand, there is a great sense of security and comfort knowing I have this outlet.  But on the other hand, I have reluctantly admitted I don’t have the time resources to maintain it.

“The Big Project” demands 2.5 hours per day, at the very least.  Add to that homeschooling and homemaking…I’d do well to tend my writings here once a week (which I haven’t been able to do at all for months on end).

I’ve read that other “Big Project” workers put in five or six hours a day.  That’s the goal for the next year, to work up to that level.  But it requires such a depth of concentration…I can’t just pick an hour here, an hour there, and expect to accomplish anything of value.

I’m so pleased with my progress.  And pleased with the self-discipline I’ve found in the past week.  Still, progress is very slow, and I can’t expect to reach an end before 12 months have past.

I’ve contemplated cutting back on other activities to allow myself ample working time, but I’m afraid I’m all out of things to cut back on.  Studying Hawaiian Language?  That amounts to about three hours a week.  Writers’ group participation?  I don’t think that would be conducive.  The time spent critiquing is inspiring and holds me accountable, and I need that.

Again, lamenting the fact I don’t have an office.

Overboard
Hoo, I’m up way later than I should be.  I’ve seriously slacked off in the writing group, so I’m trying very hard to participate and work up some inspiration and self-discipline to write something every night.  Just haven’t had the energy, time, or motivation to press out more time for me to do the one thing that brings some relaxation.

I don’t know if I feel good about today’s shopping or not.  Hit the fabric store sale and got what I decided to get–fabric and patterns for two outfits.  But of course the patterns were on sale, so I got what I “thought” I’d need this season.  I couldn’t find the knits I wanted, so I bought stretchy terry cloth instead.

Went to a second fabric store, because I was told some of the patterns I needed were half-price there.  Saved a couple bucks on patterns, but blew that, because I found the knits I wanted at Store #2.  In the end, I spent 50% more than I planned.  Feeling just awful about that.  But, I’ll feel much better if I complete the projects instead of letting my supply of fabric sit and grow.

Study Habits (or lack thereof)
Busy week ahead.  Squeak starts ballet tomorrow.  She’s so excited.

Prissy didn’t study the material she was supposed to study for voice class, so she’s going to have to cram tomorrow.  Last week, she did study the first couple nights after class, but then neglected the material for the rest of the week until the night before.  This week, she hasn’t looked at it at all, and I take full responsibility for not reminding her.  She’s not used to preparing well ahead of time for things like that.  I’m not doing too well teaching her good study habits.  I guess I could remedy that by simply adding it to the calendar.

**added to calendar**

Yahoo! Calendar
Honestly, I couldn’t live without the Yahoo! Calendar.  Ever since I started utilizing that free service a year ago, I’ve become entirely dependent on it to guide my day/week/month.  I rarely miss appointments anymore unless there is a valid reason to cancel or reschedule.  I never forget, because the calendar reminders come to my email every single morning.

I’ve been able to remember birthdays, bills, phone calls, assignments, deadlines for projects, upcoming community events.  And though some days, there may be up to ten items on the list, I can readily see the box may be completely empty two or three days down the road, and for me, that’s comforting.

Only problem is that the calendar is online.  There have been so many times I’ve been out and about or on the phone, and someone wants to schedule something or asks what day I have free.  I have to say, “I have no idea.  I’ll have to check my calendar online.”

On one hand, that’s annoying, because I can’t address the subject right then and there while it’s on the table.  On the other hand, it’s a very good thing, because then, I’m not too hasty to add something in and commit right there on the spot.  I have lots of time to think it over, consider the week in question, and truly judge whether or not I should first, make the commitment at all, and second, when would be the best time for it.

Overcommitting

I didn’t think the issue of overcommitting to extracurricular activities was anything to take very seriously.  We’ve never been ones to do too much, too frequently.  Most of the things that traditionally take us out of the house have been errands like groceries and bill-paying, or group trips to the library or park, etc.  The role of Mom-as-Taxi has always been under control, because we’ve always been too busy with other things at home to even think about doing things out of the house.

But I purposefully sought to change that this year.  I determined to put the kids each in their own endeavor, and committed to driving them where they needed, when they needed with no complaints.  And I don’t regret it.

However, I’m a believer now: it’s very easy to get so caught up in all the opportunities in the community available to homeschooled kids, that before you know it, you’ve scheduled something for every free hour of every day.  Then, when do you have time to study at home?  To watch a show together?  To cook together?  To cuddle and nap together?  To play games and read books, or just putter around?

M. was very good to establish early on, “One activity for each kid.”  Well, it all began that way.  But then, I thought it would be great for Rocky to take advantage of every opportunity to hang out with the other teens in the homeschooling group, which is at least three events per week.  And then, there’s the weekly family activities the homeschooling group does, like bowling (which I’ve signed us up for, too).  Sprinkle in field trips here and there, and there’s not too much time left for tending the house or projects at home, much less things like creative writing or sewing.

I’m not down and defeated about this.  We haven’t even gotten into the meat of it all, yet.  Moe and Rocky’s activities haven’t begun for the year, or bowling.  The next homeschooling group event is two weeks away, and the first field trip isn’t until the end of the month.  The calm before the storm?

I think I need to spend some time prioritizing, coming up with a contingency plan in case we just aren’t able to handle all we’ve gotten ourselves into.  “Balance” in homeschooling is something I feel it’s going to take us a while to find.  I do, however, feel like we’ve made a lot of progress.  This is only the second week of formal studies for us.  A few bugs have popped up, but I’m confident we can work them out in due time.

Nine items on the calendar for tomorrow.  We’ll be getting up early, which means my day will be a challenge, seeing as it’s 1:30 AM, and I’m still up writing.

Hitting the Labor Day Sale at the fabric store today.  Praying I don’t go overboard and buy more than we need.

I printed out some pages I put together featuring a collection of photos of a nice variety of tops, skirts, and gouchos.  I gave Prissy the task of mulling over the photos and brainstorming different fabrics, colors, etc. for outfits she might like to make.  Then, I’ll pass the assignment on to Bunny so she can do the same.  I’m very confident they’ll choose things that are appropriate.  I just hope we’re able to do alright choosing fabrics that aren’t too campy or tacky or loud.  I so prefer simplicity–it’s just I know the kids want a bit more style than solid everything.

Gotta pull out the fabrics I already have, too.  I told Priss we’d cut some swatches to take with us.

And Halloween right around the corner.  Yikes.  Got my work ahead of me.

Hope all the patterns aren’t bought out.

I made a point to organize my thoughts on paper, type them up, and print them out to take with me so I’d be prepared to articulate myself, partially to avoid that terrible anxiety from recurring because I found myself at a loss for words, and partially to stay focused. After all, in counseling, “time is money.”

Contemplation/Conclusions

Over the course of the week, I came to recognize the decision to change to long skirts and dresses was–ultimately–an “act of consecration,” a way to distance myself from who I was before I committed to God, and a way to set myself apart as a Christian.

At first, the counselors considered I might be following a “Nazarene”-type creed. I wasn’t quite sure what that meant, so I asked if it was a modern faith group. Not much info was introduced to me on that, but I assumed it was a fundamentalist, Pentecostal style code of dress and conduct.

I insisted my choice of dress was not a form of distinction, per say, but rather, a form of protection and departure from the past. I admitted I was aware that for me, there is a certain temptation to pride and vanity that accompanies any form of dress “other than ultra-conservative, feminine attire.”

That is, whenever I wear things that might be completely harmless and normal for anyone else, I personally have a tendency to be very aware of my appearance and presentation, to the extreme that I become proud and vain about how I look. And so, spiritually speaking…by eliminating those kinds of clothes from my wardrobe, I–in effect–eliminate the entire temptation. Dresses and skirts are “safe” to my spirit.

On the psyche level, wearing only dresses and skirts, in a sense, protects me from social expectations. If I’m unremarkable, indistinct, plain, I effectively remove myself from any expectations that might be placed on me on account of my appearance. It’s “safe” to my psyche, and so I don’t have to deal with any anxiety for not pleasing other people in how I dress.
I admitted the realization I’ve been projecting my fears and anxieties onto my children, overprotecting them in efforts to prevent them from repeating my downfalls in my past. I’ve created too-strict boundaries in order to keep them from ever venturing into that territory of pride and vanity.

Consequentially, the kids have become hyper-aware of the modesty issue. Although I don’t feel I’ve consciously led them to view pants and shorts as “evil,” they notice my insecurities and my reactions to such clothing. Some of them model my behavior, anxiety and all. Others question and rebel against my rules and reasons. Either outcome is deplorable to me. Two of my greatest fears for them–1) They utterly revolt and rebel against everything I’ve ever tried to teach them, and 2) They become just like me.

I’ve been trying to prevent sin in them, instead of leading them to appreciate and strive for purity.

How to Address the Issue

I purposefully made this section very vague and general, because I didn’t want to go straight from recognizing the problem to trying to solve it in detail. I decided to jot down a couple “goals,” more as a target to shoot for, rather than launching off a thousand arrows, praying one of them makes the mark.

First, I’ll need to let go of my fears and cease trying to fight off the fears with rules of modesty.

Second, I need to explore ways to teach modesty and humility through lessons that have less to do with dress and more to do with character.

Simple, concise, and at this point, realistic.

Possibilities For Change

Now came the time to brainstorm practical application. I thought the first step would be to establish the most extreme boundary, to mark off the territory I am either unwilling or unprepared to explore. Once that boundary is established, I can work freely within it.
I already know that I’m very uncomfortable seeing the kids in anything higher than mid-calf. Jeans and pants are not something I feel I can allow. Also, items that reveal the back and shoulders are inappropriate.

However, I could be comfortable with a dress, long shirt, or tunic over leggings. I could be comfortable with flowy gouchos or wide split-skirts. These items would be a bit more relaxed than the long, prairie skirts we’re used to wearing, and yet, they keep with the unclinging, tasteful presentation of skirts and dresses.

How to make a gradual transition?

Well, I thank God for His timing. Fall is just around the corner, and I have not yet begun buying fabric and patterns for their fall wardrobes. It’s the perfect opportunity to introduce a variety of new items into their wardrobes without making a premier event of it all.

It can be a fun, positive experience if I allow the kids to participate in the planning and design process. Not only do they feel empowered and learn a lesson in independence; they also have the opportunity to add their own “personal touches” to their clothes, with their own little embellishments and inspired details. Dress becomes a positive subject, one they can feel good about, a way to express themselves and strengthen their self-esteem and individual senses of identity. (And as added benefits, they get Home Ec credits; learn an important skill; and perpetuate a beautiful family tradition of sewing and clothing design.)

Questions

I had only one major concern in taking the first step to change: How do I answer my kids when they ask, “Why are the rules changed?”

The answer: “Be honest and focus on the positive reasons for change. Tell them it’s time for them to take part in choosing clothes that are modest but beautiful, that it’s okay to be pretty and stylish, as long as we continue to try to choose things that are appropriate and not revealing of things that should be private.

“It’s not necessary to go into the negative, or to talk about your past or your mistakes. Use this as a teaching tool, and make it fun.”

—–

Where did I go wrong? At which point did I leave The Path?

You forgot it was okay to be beautiful.

In the beginning, in your period of consecration, you were essentially starving your flesh, seeking Him and accepting and focusing on your new humility and modesty. That was a good thing.

But in the process of throwing out all the fleshly desires and the destructive patterns of behavior, you threw out beauty, too. You watered down what it means to be beautiful, and equated beauty with temptation, pride, and vanity.

Beauty is not a fault. Beauty is not a sin. God created the female to be beautiful. He never intended to cover His creation, but because of the fall of mankind, we introduced sin into the world, and so we introduced shame.

But none of that changes the fac