Portrait in Linen

David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. And Saul said unto David, Go, and the Lord be with thee.

- 1 Samuel 17:37

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I’m trying not to be worried sick. We all are, but you can imagine how each of us is coping.

The very best I can do for you is pray for your safety. God gave you a job to do, and you’ve worked hard to prepare for it. I have no doubt you’ll meet your purpose, though at times, the “unknown” of a purpose is terrifying. It’s comforting to know, however, that you wouldn’t be where you are if you weren’t ready.

You’re not a child anymore. You’re a man, and so, so much like Dad. He would be so proud of you.

I love you, and I’m praying for you constantly.

Come home safe. E mālama pono i kou kino, e ko’u kunāne!

Love,
‘Ailina

I made a point to organize my thoughts on paper, type them up, and print them out to take with me so I’d be prepared to articulate myself, partially to avoid that terrible anxiety from recurring because I found myself at a loss for words, and partially to stay focused. After all, in counseling, “time is money.”

Contemplation/Conclusions

Over the course of the week, I came to recognize the decision to change to long skirts and dresses was–ultimately–an “act of consecration,” a way to distance myself from who I was before I committed to God, and a way to set myself apart as a Christian.

At first, the counselors considered I might be following a “Nazarene”-type creed. I wasn’t quite sure what that meant, so I asked if it was a modern faith group. Not much info was introduced to me on that, but I assumed it was a fundamentalist, Pentecostal style code of dress and conduct.

I insisted my choice of dress was not a form of distinction, per say, but rather, a form of protection and departure from the past. I admitted I was aware that for me, there is a certain temptation to pride and vanity that accompanies any form of dress “other than ultra-conservative, feminine attire.”

That is, whenever I wear things that might be completely harmless and normal for anyone else, I personally have a tendency to be very aware of my appearance and presentation, to the extreme that I become proud and vain about how I look. And so, spiritually speaking…by eliminating those kinds of clothes from my wardrobe, I–in effect–eliminate the entire temptation. Dresses and skirts are “safe” to my spirit.

On the psyche level, wearing only dresses and skirts, in a sense, protects me from social expectations. If I’m unremarkable, indistinct, plain, I effectively remove myself from any expectations that might be placed on me on account of my appearance. It’s “safe” to my psyche, and so I don’t have to deal with any anxiety for not pleasing other people in how I dress.
I admitted the realization I’ve been projecting my fears and anxieties onto my children, overprotecting them in efforts to prevent them from repeating my downfalls in my past. I’ve created too-strict boundaries in order to keep them from ever venturing into that territory of pride and vanity.

Consequentially, the kids have become hyper-aware of the modesty issue. Although I don’t feel I’ve consciously led them to view pants and shorts as “evil,” they notice my insecurities and my reactions to such clothing. Some of them model my behavior, anxiety and all. Others question and rebel against my rules and reasons. Either outcome is deplorable to me. Two of my greatest fears for them–1) They utterly revolt and rebel against everything I’ve ever tried to teach them, and 2) They become just like me.

I’ve been trying to prevent sin in them, instead of leading them to appreciate and strive for purity.

How to Address the Issue

I purposefully made this section very vague and general, because I didn’t want to go straight from recognizing the problem to trying to solve it in detail. I decided to jot down a couple “goals,” more as a target to shoot for, rather than launching off a thousand arrows, praying one of them makes the mark.

First, I’ll need to let go of my fears and cease trying to fight off the fears with rules of modesty.

Second, I need to explore ways to teach modesty and humility through lessons that have less to do with dress and more to do with character.

Simple, concise, and at this point, realistic.

Possibilities For Change

Now came the time to brainstorm practical application. I thought the first step would be to establish the most extreme boundary, to mark off the territory I am either unwilling or unprepared to explore. Once that boundary is established, I can work freely within it.
I already know that I’m very uncomfortable seeing the kids in anything higher than mid-calf. Jeans and pants are not something I feel I can allow. Also, items that reveal the back and shoulders are inappropriate.

However, I could be comfortable with a dress, long shirt, or tunic over leggings. I could be comfortable with flowy gouchos or wide split-skirts. These items would be a bit more relaxed than the long, prairie skirts we’re used to wearing, and yet, they keep with the unclinging, tasteful presentation of skirts and dresses.

How to make a gradual transition?

Well, I thank God for His timing. Fall is just around the corner, and I have not yet begun buying fabric and patterns for their fall wardrobes. It’s the perfect opportunity to introduce a variety of new items into their wardrobes without making a premier event of it all.

It can be a fun, positive experience if I allow the kids to participate in the planning and design process. Not only do they feel empowered and learn a lesson in independence; they also have the opportunity to add their own “personal touches” to their clothes, with their own little embellishments and inspired details. Dress becomes a positive subject, one they can feel good about, a way to express themselves and strengthen their self-esteem and individual senses of identity. (And as added benefits, they get Home Ec credits; learn an important skill; and perpetuate a beautiful family tradition of sewing and clothing design.)

Questions

I had only one major concern in taking the first step to change: How do I answer my kids when they ask, “Why are the rules changed?”

The answer: “Be honest and focus on the positive reasons for change. Tell them it’s time for them to take part in choosing clothes that are modest but beautiful, that it’s okay to be pretty and stylish, as long as we continue to try to choose things that are appropriate and not revealing of things that should be private.

“It’s not necessary to go into the negative, or to talk about your past or your mistakes. Use this as a teaching tool, and make it fun.”

—–

Where did I go wrong? At which point did I leave The Path?

You forgot it was okay to be beautiful.

In the beginning, in your period of consecration, you were essentially starving your flesh, seeking Him and accepting and focusing on your new humility and modesty. That was a good thing.

But in the process of throwing out all the fleshly desires and the destructive patterns of behavior, you threw out beauty, too. You watered down what it means to be beautiful, and equated beauty with temptation, pride, and vanity.

Beauty is not a fault. Beauty is not a sin. God created the female to be beautiful. He never intended to cover His creation, but because of the fall of mankind, we introduced sin into the world, and so we introduced shame.

But none of that changes the fact that God made you beautiful, and wants you to be beautiful in your purity.

I responded that I’ve grown so accustomed to being fearful of temptation, pride, and vanity, that it’s become a natural reaction. The anxiety and aversion set in long before I allow an opportunity for logic to step in and regulate.

I realize that coming to a place where I have freedom from all that will take time, but I know God can give me that freedom and healing. Through Him, there will come a day when I may be able to wear something other than long dresses and skirts and not feel unclean or unworthy. There will come a time when the knowledge and assumption of evil leaves me, and I can have peace and rejoice in God’s grace, and be thankful He made me in His image…beautiful.

I should’ve made a counseling appointment a long, long time ago. I should’ve heeded the doctor and begun cognitive the first day I filled the prescription.

I told them (husband-and-wife counseling team–fantastic feedback, because I get the male & female perspective), “I consider myself to be pretty insightful. I analyze these things from every possible angle, over and over again, and inevitably, I hit a wall in my thinking. By that point, I’ve exhausted all my personal resources, and there’s still no resolution. That’s why I’m here.”

I went armed with a simple list of the top four “issues” and points of contention–the greatest sources of stress and discord. I mentioned M and I have pretty well come to a common ground on three of them, but we could come to no resolution on the fourth–the kids’ dress. So that’s what we talked about.

Of course, I didn’t go in there expecting the counselors to support my point of view and coach me in ways to “change M.” I knew we’d focus on my part in the whole dynamic. But I never expected to delve so deeply into my own past, neuroses, and motivations.

I think this is the primary reason why I’ve been unable to find any “break-throughs” in my thinking. My past, neuroses, and motivations are something my psyche successfully holds at bay behind a wall of denial, justification, and rationalization. My mind is so skilled at filtering and blocking, it takes no effort at all to avoid “going there” on so many issues. It would take a thoughtful, respectable, fearless guide to lead me into that dark territory–someone (or someones) I could respect and trust, knowing there would be no ulterior motive or prejudgment. The counselors fit the bill–husband and wife practitioners, Christians, with five (or more) children of their own. I have no doubt God led me to their office.

The first appointment was painful. When asked, I tried to explain my reasons for our choice of dress and how I came to the decision. It was so, so difficult for me, because it wasn’t a logical decision in the first place, but a purely spiritual conviction. How does one explain a purely spiritual conviction, except to say, “God led me to that”? Especially for a person who is already into the habit of questioning her own sanity and credibility?

I was completely inarticulate on that point. I felt utterly vulnerable, silly, ignorant, exposed. I almost felt my heart and mind physically kicking against opening up that door. The anxiety was overwhelming. I felt sweaty and light-headed, dry mouth, a bit shaky. And there was nothing I could say, except “I’m not sure–I just felt the strong conviction to do so.”

So we went back to how things were “before,” what kind of person I was in the past. I admitted I dressed extremely immodestly and took great pride in my appearance, that I was grossly vain and enjoyed the attention. At the same time, I felt a pressure for my appearance to be “pleasing,” because it gained me immediate acceptance, as opposed to immediate rejection because I was “weird” or “foreign” or “inferior” or “not good enough” in other ways. Being pleasing to the eye was a way to gain acceptance without having to do so in other ways, like being witty or charismatic or intelligent, or by having a lot of material wealth or style.

I admitted that kind of behavior led me to worse things, and that I’ve never forgotten that period in life before I was wholly committed to the Lord.

“Is it possible you feel…unclean?” they asked.

I think I might’ve cried at that point. Those words seemed to come straight from Heaven, like a great door opening up and a shaft of blinding light pouring through.

Do I feel unclean? Yes, yes I do. And by covering myself and my family with clothes, it’s possible I may be trying to “cover up” my sins.

Through the course of the session, we touched on how the dress rule affects the kids, their reactions and questions about it. I explained they question me often and seem doubtful or uncertain at my answers, or they express their dissatisfaction with the rules. This shows a lack of understanding on their part, which reveals I am completely missing the mark–trying to instill in them a humility and consciousness of purity. Instead, all they see is the rule. I’ve inadvertently made an earthly issue out of an issue of faith.

“Your homework,” they said, “is to prayerfully consider how your concern with modesty relates to your anxiety, and how your rules based on your conviction may set up your children for rebellion in the future.”

I left the appointment feeling rattled and shamed, embarrassed that I’d spoken about my past and my fears to another person, despising myself that I might be doing anything to drive my children farther away from God, instead of leading them into His arms.

I felt a tiny bit of triumph in that we had introduced something new into my thinking, that there were indeed positive possibilities, with time and prayer and lots of reflection.

I admit there were moments when I considered canceling the next appointment and swearing off counseling forever. But I guess the larger part of me knew I felt that way because we were getting somewhere. I knew facing these things–whatever they might be–would be a painful process, and not easy. So I resolved to do what I was told and keep my next appointment.

I picked up The Organized Home Schooler (Vicki Caruana) from Barnes & Noble l